I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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