My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
