Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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