I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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