I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize