how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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