The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
