my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
