Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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