I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
