I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize