1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
