I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Semen is not good for contacts.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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