Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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