Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
