I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
