Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
