Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
