just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
FUCK WHALES
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize