Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
