she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
