So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
