I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
