He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just invented taco cereal.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
