Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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