I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize