I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
