we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
