Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I need to calm my uterus...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
