dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
