Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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