Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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