see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
