When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
