sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
