I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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