You smell like a Billy Joel song
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My life is pants optional.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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