What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
