So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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