All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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