Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
