my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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