life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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