everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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