Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
