did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
