my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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