he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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