Cold hands, warm shart.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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