four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
