Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Also, beer. Big fan.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
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