she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
