His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
