Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
