the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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