I swear she didn't look like that last week.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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