I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm like, not good at living.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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