the condom got lost in my hair
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
