Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
