my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
