just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
