I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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