my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
