glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sext me about skeletons
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
