Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
