I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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