i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
