my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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