Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
